It was Kaitlyn’s 13th birthday, and she wanted to do something fun for her sleepover birthday party that night. So her Godfather and I came up with our own version of Orson Wells’ “War of the Worlds.”
Things worked out like clockwork. Here’s the blow-by-blow that night…
7:50 PM
With Kaitlyn’s 5 girlfriends watching TV in our family room, my best buddy and Kaitlyn’s Godfather, Ted McGinley, arrived with a present.
He nonchalantly asked if we heard about the four “life forms,” as the news called them, which were captured in Fresno, California earlier in the afternoon. He said the Fresno authorities think they caught them all; they landed on an asparagus farm just outside Fresno.
He explained how they were immediately flown to Bethesda, Maryland – where they were currently under national quarantine. He had some cockamamie story about his brother-in-law fighter pilot that was going to miss Christmas because he was summoned to Maryland.
The girls were pretty rattled…
8:05
One of the moms called her daughter, and told her not to be frightened about the Fresno incident. She wanted to let her know, no matter what happened tonight — she’d always love her.
Let’s just say that phone call knocked things up a notch.
8:10
I stood in front of the French doors that lead out to our backyard – to show the girls a new magic trick. While I was doing the trick, Ted, completely covered from head to foot in Reynolds’s Wrap, ran by the back door. The “alien” had a quirky limp and seemed to make a high-pitched noise.
The girls spazzed out. I became a tree – with every girl hanging on my body for dear life.
I told them their imaginations were getting the best of them; that I didn’t see anything run by.
We decided to call the police and report the incident. Whoops, the phones were dead. (They didn’t notice the phones weren’t plugged in.)
We decided to all get in the car and drive to the police station in town. Clinging to me like bees to the queen, we walked, inch by inch, through the house and to the car.
8:20
We carefully drove down our side street to the local police station. It was electric in the car.
Out of nowhere, who jumped in front of our car but the alien. The light shining on the Reynolds’s Wrap made him look like a ball of white energy. Let’s just say I wish I had earplugs.
8:25.
Arrived at the police station. I instructed the psycho girls to control themselves; to have one girl tell the officer calmly what they thought they saw.
They stepped up to the police counter, and all started yapping a million miles an hour on top of each other.
Officer Bender said they had received numerous sightings. He handed them a flyer that he said officers were distributing right now to every store and house in Pacific Palisades warning them of the eminent danger.
He asked one of the girls to read the flyer.
The kids were glued as Katie’s friend read how there was a curfew in all surrounding areas, and that the life form should be considered dangerous and life threatening.
She read the three things you must do if approached by the alien:
1. Stand as still as possible.
2. Slowly put your hands over your head.
3. Wish Kaitlyn Dunne a Happy 13th Birthday.
As the entire night of events raced through their innocent 13 year-old minds, I suddenly turned into Bozo the Punching Clown.